Everything was wonderful again since C came into my life. I managed to feel happy once again.The mood of my blog changed. I stopped coming home drunk every other day. I stopped quarreling and screaming at my mom. I was Normal again.
But they say, life is full of Ups and Downs and well, i had my Ups and now....it's another break up to face. I can do it. I've done it once. I'm going to do it again.
But they say, life is full of Ups and Downs and well, i had my Ups and now....it's another break up to face. I can do it. I've done it once. I'm going to do it again.
I'm not a girl who's easy to handle....because i've BPD. And if my boyfriend can't understand nor bother reading it up, he can't be my boyfriend cus he'd think i'm crazy. Which is exactly why today, i told myself as much as i love C, we can't be together because he can't understand that i get hurt by the littlest things and he needs to be more sensitive. For his friends to call me names, and for him to laugh and go "oh but it's not me! they said it. i didn't say anything. and it's funny what"....it shows...it shows... a lot. Yes your friends can laugh, yes they can call me names but for YOU to laugh and think it's totally alright...wow...i actually cant believe you can call me your girlfriend and claim you understand me.
No amount of I Love Yous and Sorrys will work on me. Because action speaks louder than words. If C really loves me, he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. If he realised what he did was a big mistake, he'll make up for it. But until he does...i'll be strong. I'll not throw myself at him. I'll not be blinded by Love.
Anyway, i don't blame C...really...i've read forums of boys complaining about their BPD girlfriends. It's fucking hard to live and please a BPD sufferer. Takes A Lot. A fucking Lot.
Anyway the good book i was talking about....read below - it's the introduction of it i found online.
No amount of I Love Yous and Sorrys will work on me. Because action speaks louder than words. If C really loves me, he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. If he realised what he did was a big mistake, he'll make up for it. But until he does...i'll be strong. I'll not throw myself at him. I'll not be blinded by Love.
Anyway, i don't blame C...really...i've read forums of boys complaining about their BPD girlfriends. It's fucking hard to live and please a BPD sufferer. Takes A Lot. A fucking Lot.
Anyway the good book i was talking about....read below - it's the introduction of it i found online.
Many people avoid “self-help” or relationship-themed books, but if you have recently broken up with your boyfriend, have recently been dumped, or can’t get over the ex-boyfriend you broke up with ages ago—hell, even if it’s an ex-girlfriend, provided you don’t mind some mental gender-switching—I strongly suggest that you give It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken a try.
Excerpt from It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken
by Greg Behrendt and Amira Ruotola-Behrendt
"There's no doubt about it-breakups suck. But in the first few hours or days or weeks that follow, there's one important truth you need to recognize: Some things can't and shouldn't be fixed, especially that loser who dumped you or forced you to dump him. It's over for a reason, and deep down inside you probably know what that reason is.
At the end of the day, it's about weather YOU like yourself enough to face the reality that your romance wasn't working.. to recognize that it wasn't giving you what you needed and deserved
Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges.
Anyone who assesses you or your realtionship as "disposable" is not worthy of your time or tears.
Just remember, though, that any reasons you come up with are ultimately irrelavant. The harsh reality is that even if you have EVERYTHING else in common, the one thing you don't have in common is the belief that this realtionship can work. & that alone trumps your shared love of puppies, The Dave Matthews Band, and Mexican food.
A lot of the pain you are experiencing right now is actually fear. Fear of things being different then how you liked them, fear of never finding love again, fear of being alone, fear of having to fill your time differently. We're afraid of the unknown.
The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven
"I don't know" means "NO!"
"I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation."
"I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me becasue I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.
Awesome thought: The annoying thing that your ex did will never bother you again. I'm sure that your plan to get him back worked out in your head. I'm even sure that it worked out in some movie you saw. But your ex does not have the time to follow a movie script and you shouldn't either. Move on.
Every moment of pain, weakness, and discomfort puts you in a positon to choose how you will react and how you will alleviate your condition. Calling him doesn't make it better.. it only pulls you back into the cycle of heartbreak.
He is the past. You are the future.
Messing up his life isn't the best revenge. It's getting on with yours and living it to the fullest.
One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes rela tionships just end, often without reason. I truly believe that some times both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.
Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.
As much as it sucks, you need to FORCE youself to remember your very worst times together, ..his most irritating habits and the hard truth that not only can he live without you.. but he'd rather.
You're giving an okay guy who cheats on his girlfriend a hell of a lot more credit then he deserves. He's a coward and a betrayer of not one but TWO women. He clearly feels ambivalent about you at best.. otherwise, he would have left this other woman a long time ago.
So many of us find ourselves saying "BUT HE WAS SO GREAT!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did.
Awesome thought: The right guy is out there right now, wondering when he's going meet someone just like you.
His regrets or lack thereof are exactly that- his . and not even the best little black cocktail dress can change that.
Every time you see him, you only make youself vulnerable to futher heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?
The one who dumped you has had a huge head start on the healing. However long he entertained ending the realationship is also how long he's been emotionally extracting himself from you.
He was either partially or totally over it before you even knew it was going down
You weren't in the same realationship. That should answer ALL your questions.
You can love your friends.. ..you can love your family ... you can even love every stray dog or stray drummer that crosses your path. HOWEVER, you have to learn how to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting realtionship that you've been looking for."
Messing up his life isn't the best revenge. It's getting on with yours and living it to the fullest.
One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes rela tionships just end, often without reason. I truly believe that some times both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.
Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.
As much as it sucks, you need to FORCE youself to remember your very worst times together, ..his most irritating habits and the hard truth that not only can he live without you.. but he'd rather.
You're giving an okay guy who cheats on his girlfriend a hell of a lot more credit then he deserves. He's a coward and a betrayer of not one but TWO women. He clearly feels ambivalent about you at best.. otherwise, he would have left this other woman a long time ago.
So many of us find ourselves saying "BUT HE WAS SO GREAT!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did.
Awesome thought: The right guy is out there right now, wondering when he's going meet someone just like you.
His regrets or lack thereof are exactly that- his . and not even the best little black cocktail dress can change that.
Every time you see him, you only make youself vulnerable to futher heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?
The one who dumped you has had a huge head start on the healing. However long he entertained ending the realationship is also how long he's been emotionally extracting himself from you.
He was either partially or totally over it before you even knew it was going down
You weren't in the same realationship. That should answer ALL your questions.
You can love your friends.. ..you can love your family ... you can even love every stray dog or stray drummer that crosses your path. HOWEVER, you have to learn how to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting realtionship that you've been looking for."
p.s got my hair colored today. will blog about it tomorrow. :)
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